What does it take to have a strong marriage?

     What does it take to have a strong marriage? Personally, from my family of origin, I know that hard work, commitment, and communication are the keys principles that helped my own family stay united and closely linked together. There were many times when it was difficult to have these three principles implemented, but that never meant we would give up.

     Our family motto was, “with God all things are possible.” My Grandpa Walter came up with this family motto and once he passed away my mother stuck with his saying and we formed it into our family belief. It would hang on the wall on a plaque and it was visible every time an argument would arise or conflict was present. That reminder on the wall was something for all of us to see and to take to heart the areas we could strengthen and improve individually, to help our family as a whole unit. Having this background now, what does it take? I was able to see through my parents divorce how important the family truly is. I would not be where I am today without that experience, that crisis helped me to personally come to find out who I really was, grow up, and figure out for myself what I wanted my future to be. If I did not live through that crisis I would not have those life events, which molded me into the individual I have become today.

     Once I got married to my husband, I was able to take each of the life events that happened to me and see how it would affect my own marriage.  I wasn’t doing this to cause any problems, but rather, I was interested in learning and figuring out the dynamics of our marriage, and how we were as a couple. I found out that my husband actually had some life events of his own, and within his own family of origin that were pretty similar to my families’ experience. His parents did not divorce, but some of the dynamics of how each of his parents treated one another were similar and I thought that was interesting to learn. I think it takes a great deal of courage to be open to your spouse about certain issues that are concerning. Often times, couples will not want to talk each other because they are afraid to bring that topic up, or that they are not allowed to talk about certain things. This is by far no effective way of communicating openly and honestly with one another.

     Communication is vital to having a strong healthy marriage. Personally, I have found that with my own marriage, when I don’t speak calmly or in a tender manner to my husband, then he is ten times more likely to shut off and walk away from me avoiding having to finish our conversation. I don’t think we have been able to ever effectively communicate when one party is negative or condescending to the other. Our tone of voice matters when we communicate to our spouse. I have tried to make better habits of achieving this, and it has worked so much more effectively when I do my own part in contributing to the way in which I communicate to my husband. In the end, we have been able to have communication, as well as listening taking place, and that is the key to happiness in our own marriage.

     The commitment that my husband and I have to each other strengthens our marriage as well. I can proudly say that I know I married someone loyal from the time we spent while dating. The two year span that we dated was a little rocky, and like every relationship there are ups and downs, but it’s the downs that should bring you back up again; that was our relationship and I knew that I had found a keeper in my book. I was told by my father to have at least one “big” fight before you get married. It doesn’t have to be one where there is loud yelling or mean remarks, etc. But one where you can see how well you pull out of it together as a couple. Jason and I had one of those and some littler ones too, and I believe that helped us even more in deciding whether or not we should get married. We could strengthen each other and on the other side of the argument we were able to grow as a couple. Those experiences we had while dating are ones that are implemented into our marriage and contribute to what makes it strong. We pull together, stick together, no matter what comes our way, and that sense of peace makes our home and marriage a happy one.

     Gottman teaches us that there are vital principles for making marriage work. There are effective exercises that are within the book to help couples go through the steps and see where they are at as an outcome from completing the different activities. I think that is an effective way to achieve a strong marriage. Pulling together all of the many key principles that we learn throughout life, and from Gottman, help couples to especially save their marriage, or make the decision to marry a little bit easier. My husband and I had some fun and completed one of the activities in the book and it was interesting for us do together. We are always on the look out for ways in which we can improve our marriage and the exercises really do work. He explains in such simplistic terms and in a manner that is quite easily understood. Learning how to cope with typical solvable problems is the main key that can help create a strong marriage. Together, my husband and I have been able to work hard at achieving a strong happy marriage.